With sincere apologies to Clement Clarke Moore and all legitimate poets everywhere:
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Sedville
Parents asked all their kids, “Are you sleeping still?”
Break was upon them, no need to arise
Before the sun reached the high point in the skies;
So Mom and Dad took to the duties at hand
‘Cause the kids were still dozing despite what was planned;
The parents had just a few more gifts to buy
So they hopped in the car, down Old 50 they’d fly;
They popped into Vincent’s to pick up a dress
And over to Weller’s – their ties are the best;
Lunch at the Brickfront, what could be better?
Dad had so much that he stretched out his sweater;
No snow had fallen so the trip was a breeze,
But Dave Clippert warned of an afternoon freeze;
Mom and Dad wanted to avoid any slips,
At Stone Laser they got engraved money clips;
The kids then arose, it was quarter to three;
They texted their parents, “What we got to eat?”
Mom shot a reply, “There’s cold mac ‘n cheese,
But if you cook something don’t make a mess, please;”
The parents hit Sword’s for some cards and some candy
And a gag gift of Ex-Lax for old Uncle Randy;
They nabbed Becky Imhauser’s new photo book
As an emergency gift, then Mom took a look;
It was time to head home and get dinner started
The cousins Snapchatted that they had departed
From Bolivar and they’d be here pretty soon,
“They drive like they’re nuts,” Dad barked at the moon;
Mom said, “Just calm down, don’t get so upset,”
She called up their JROTC cadet;
“Put the oven on high,” she said, “Really quick,
We’ve gotta cook that ham through or we all will get sick.”
Green beans in the crock pot and cookies in tins,
Grandma’s bringing ‘taters, a certified “win;”
So the parents rushed home to cap off the undone,
Wrapping gifts for Mom’s sister and one for her son;
They then set the table and put the dog out
To avoid last year’s issue with his yam-covered snout;
The family arrived, it was all smiles and hugs
Cousin Tina tracked mud on the living room rug;
Dinner was served after Grandma said Grace
Little Ollie wore most of his meal on his face;
Grandpa asked, “What’s up with Griff’s?” We all sighed,
He’s out of the loop even though we’ve all tried;
After dinner we sat ‘round the tall Christmas tree
We opened our gifts one-by-one so we’d see
What everyone else got – our family tradition
Jill got iTunes cards, Joe got lures to go fishing;
We all were content, time with family’s the best
We helped clear the dishes then every guest
Picked up their belongings and head out the door
The drive home would take them an hour or more;
But I heard them exclaim through the wintery air,
“Merry Christmas to all – Kids, don’t make me come back there.”
